Press Pause — Overjoyed & Overloaded

Nov 12

Nov 12 Press Pause

Cassandra Crichlow

Health & Wellness, Love & Marriage

Husband: “Babe, I told my boss I’m taking a few days off from work next week. I just need to decompress.”

Me: “Oh ok. Cool. Like Thursday and Friday?”

Husband: “The kids’ last game is Monday night. I’m taking off the rest of the week.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what? You need 4 days off?”

Husband: “Yeah Babe. I do”

Insert the following emojis:

🙄 Oh Lord you are such a princess
😒 Poor you! Juggling coaching, work, and family
😠 Do you have any idea how much I juggle?
🤬 Why the hell can’t I get 4 days off without being half dead??

Yes, a very quick escalation from wanting to rub his back condescendingly to a desire to throat punch him!

I was jealous and mad. And then I was mad that I was jealous and mad. I can’t even imagine 4 days of being home, while healthy, all alone, watching old episodes of SVU and NCIS on the couch, taking much deserved naps at will and re-charging my severely drained batteries. I mean, where they do that at? You can for real take multiple days off to decompress and not feel guilty about it? I’m flabbergasted. I totally missed the memo.

Oh, wait. That memo ain’t for Moms. WE gotta legit be half dead all day before we can take sequential days off to heal. And even as we hack out lungs we feel guilty about the dishes and laundry piling up. Don’t even mention the guilt we feel about taking time off from the job. ESPECIALLY one of those female-dominated career areas like nursing or education (we will visit that in a future post). Popular culture now advocates a mental health day.

I ain’t never heard of a mental health “week”!

I sit seething, re-telling this story of spousal privilege to my sister. In true “Sweet Rita” fashion, she summons sage wisdom and says, “You know, O is a rock. He’s always level and together. If HE needs to press pause. It must be pretty bad.”

Damn her!

She was right. Hubs started coaching a new sport which started at the beginning of the school year. His job also ramps up at the beginning of the school year. He did tell me he was overwhelmed with work and stressed out about coaching this team of impressionable high school girls. He couldn’t stay late to catch up on work because of coaching. He got home late at night and as soon as he walked in the door, I tagged him in cuz I was exhausted with parenting the Hurricane. He couldn’t catch his breath and felt he was barely treading water. Yes, I knew all of this. I honestly just thought maybe he and I were even on the stress scale for a brief minute!

Either way, I sat with my sister’s words. I thought about how hard it could be for a man- a black man- to express vulnerability and ask for help. Then I thought about how he’s doing exactly what we say parents should do. Speak the truth. Tell others what you need. Take a break. Put your mental health first. So good for him! He’s breaking the mold. He’s not buying into toxic masculinity, burying his stress and taking it out on his family or engaging in unhealthy coping and self-medicating strategies.

I did feel proud of him at that point. He really did need a few days to do whatever he wanted to do, to gather himself and keep on pushing in this supercharged life. I also have a few men in my social media circle that have opened up and posted about their struggles with work-related PTSD or depression after incarceration. I really need to celebrate their bravery and be an advocate for their candor.

So what do I do about my husband the coach and his 4-day sabbatical?

I could continue to be jealous of his self-advocacy, OR, I could use his blueprint for myself.