Don't Let The Door Hit Ya!
I was in the car today and I heard a new song out by Donell Jones called “Where You Are” (2019) and I thought to myself this must be the answer song to “Where I Wanna Be”( 1999). Y’all know the song where he tells the woman he loves her, but he needs to go because he needs to figure out where he wants to be? He knows it’s going to hurt her, but he’s got to move on? That song?
Yeah, that song,
Well, guess what? Now the fool is back talking about he’s all alone and she’s his home! Can he come back home now?
You know I was in the car cussin’ up a storm over this audacity!
Let’s examine this tomfuckery. Shall we?
I said I left my baby girl a message
Your ass ain’t even have the decency to say it to her face
Saying I won't be coming home
I'd rather be alone
I’m not coming home (which is rude AF)
She doesn't fully understand me
I’m not really communicating my needs and she doesn’t read my mind the way she’s supposed to
That I'd rather leave than to cheat
I wanna mess around without guilt
If she gives me some time
I can be the man she needs
But there's a lot of lust inside of me
I really wanna mess around with a bunch of chicks, I’m bored with you
And we've been together since our teenage years
I really don't mean to hurt her but I need some time-
I don’t feel like hearing her cry and beg
To be alone
I just need to be out, there are too many chicks out there
I think about my life and what matters to me the most
I just wanna do what I feel like doing without accountability
Girl the love that we share is real
But in time your heart will heal
You’re gonna be heartbroken over this, but you’ll be aight eventually
I'm not saying I'm gone
I’m not saying I won’t be back from time to time, just around when you heal a little bit and then I’ll rip the scab right off your heart
But I have to find what life is like
Without you
I really need to get away from you and all this damn commitment
Ok, Bruh
You go on ahead and do you. Have fun. Wear a condom.
Sis is over here crying and wondering what she did wrong. Was she not a good enough cook? Did she not do all the nasty freaky stuff he wanted to try?
Was she not funny enough?
Did she not show him how much she needed him; to feed into his sense of protector and provider?
Did she not take care of her self enough so that she wasn’t too needy?
Did she not spend enough time in the gym?
She’s going to scrutinize Every. Single. F-ing. Aspect. Of herself.
Because of you.
She’s going to doubt herself for days, weeks and months. She’s going to start believing the myth that there aren’t enough good men to go around. She’s going beat her self esteem into the ground until there is nothing left. And then she’s going to see some daylight. She’s going to realize that it has nothing to do with her. She’s going to realize that you… are an idiot.
Sis is gonna go to the gym. And the hair salon. And the nail salon. And get a massage. Maybe get into Yoga. She’s going to uncover an even better version of her old self. She’s going to feel good and finally ready to love again.
And all of a sudden, there will be a knock at the door (or a late-night text, cuz you suck!)
I'm saying I'm sorry for leaving you
But I wanted to start my life brand new
I’m sorry I left, but I wanted to leave (that’s not really an apology)
I was going through changes and could not see
I was really immature and couldn’t see how good I had it
That with you is where I wanna be
Nothing compares to you
These chicks out here are ratchet and they can’t cook like you
And I hurt from the pain that I put you through
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, but I need you-NOW
Baby, I need you desperately
Being apart got the best of me
It wasn’t like I thought it was gonna be out there
And I know that in life there's no guarantees
So I’m hoping you didn’t find somebody else
Please say that you still got love for me
You know you still love me girl
Cuz I'm missing home
Can I come home? I don’t really have a place to stay
I'm never gonna leave
Even though I have a proven track record that says otherwise
And I say it because you're all I need
You really have everything that I need
For better or worse, to the end of time
I gotta be
Where you are
I am sorry for all the things I put ya through
I’m sorry I broke your heart
Baby, you are my world
There is nobody out there like you
I can't live my life without you
Who else will put up with my raggedy ass
Can I come back home where I belong
This is still mine right?
Cuz I'm so alone
I’m lonely cuz these chicks just really want my money
Baby girl, I'm on my knees, beggin' please
I’m begging you cuz I really don’t have a place to stay
Cuz with you is where I wanna be
I just want you to take me back like nothing ever happened and you don’t make me feel guilty for what I did and things can be just like they was
Now listen fellas
Right this very moment, you have a lady in your life. She’s funny. She’s cool with your boys. She’s just the right mix of “I can pay my own bills” and “can you kill this spider for me”. She puts it on you in bed. And your dumb ass is unsure. You are going through the motions and every time you feel like things are going really good, you go missing or act up or somehow throw a monkey wrench before she gets to ask, “Where is this going?” Or maybe she beats you to it and straight-up asks you what’s up with the relationship status and you say something ignorant like, “we just kickin it”, “you know we cool”, “I’m tryna get my (money/career/situation) together first”.
You don’t want to pull the trigger and fully commit yourself to this woman. But you are more than happy to lay around, eat her food, enjoy her body, take advantage of her loving spirit and WASTE HER FUCKING LIFE! All because you think you can do better. Cuz what if you settle down and then a dime walks around the corner?
Guess what? It doesn’t matter where the grass is greener- if your ass is a weed!
You big dummy! You think you can do better? YOU CAN’T. She is the best and any man would be blessed beyond belief to have her partnership. Stop it with this self-aggrandizing. People are flawed. Women, are flawed. Men, are flawed. You are not “better”. You are not without blemish or baggage. You are YOU WITH ALL OF YOUR CRAP! You need to be happy that somebody wants to actually deal with you on the daily. Just stop. Stop right now and look at her. See her. Behold her.
Now Sis see here,
I’mma need you to hone your bullshit meter. I need you to arm yourself with the Apollo Hook and a Gong to put an end to the batshittery of these faux-relationships. You need to be ready to walk if a brother doesn’t see the value of your companionship. You need to be ready to block dudes who haven’t already have done their own emotional work. If he’s not coming to the table with the understanding that life is hard and 1) there is deep beauty in having a soft place to land at the end of the day, and 2) that blessing comes with the responsibility of self-sacrifice- then he’s not welcome at the table. There is no seat for him. For nothin!
This is what it takes to have the love you want. This is what it took for me to get the love I deserved.
I loved a man. Oh my Lord, I loved a man. I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. He was one of my soul mates. We talked for hours. We understood each other at a cellular level. For years we did this dance of togetherness right up to the point of no return and then he would retreat. He never did anything bad enough (so I thought) to warrant me writing him off forever. He just stayed long enough for the scab to heal and then ripped it off. Repeatedly. For four years.
Ya’ll hear me? FOUR YEARS. FOUR GOOD CHILDBEARING YEARS.
Then I figured it out. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t something that I was missing. It wasn’t something that I had too much of. I finally walked away and it hurt like hell. I figured out how to be - without this other part of me. This person with whom existence was effortless and oh so comfortable.
And then he called. He was ready. He understood. There was no one else that he could spend his life with. We’d been through so much and we just clicked. “Please come. Please come Cassandra and let’s talk. I need to see you. “
I could have easily lived out my last days with this man. I had him finally admitting that he loved me all along but couldn’t get himself together. All the stars had finally lined up.
I was so angry. Dude you had FOUR YEARS! Then a year where I was in emotional recovery. Five years. And NOW, you figured it out?!!
It was too late. I had started dating the man who is now my husband. I guess I could have gone to see Mr. I’m Not Ready Yet. I was only dating this new guy. But, I wouldn’t go. Enraged by the hubris of this request, I asked him to find someone out where he was living. And when he did, to please not make her wait for four years to decide to build a life with her. Please don’t waste her life.
I’m so tired of this old story. The woman loves the man and waits. The man delays and delays. He finally has his lightbulb moment and comes running back. She drops everything and lets him come back. He came back because he knew she was the one all along. She feels validated and they live happily ever after.
Sis, you are everything. If you are working on your stuff and taking care of your business, you are EVERYTHING.
If he doesn’t see it, close the door. If he sees it but doesn’t feel ready, close the door. If he’s just tryna kick it, SLAM the door!
Bruh, if you are feeling anything other than blessed beyond measure to have this gift from the Lord in your life, keep walking. Don’t hang around siphoning off her goodness. Just don’t. If you ain’t ready to fully embrace the wonderfulness that is this woman, and build with her...
